


when there's nowhere left to run

by Costello_Music



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Caleb Widogast Needs a Hug, Caleb has a very self destructive POV, Episode Tag, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Nott Needs a Hug, Self-Loathing Caleb Widogast, canon typical language, episode 49, missing moment
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-08
Updated: 2019-11-08
Packaged: 2021-01-25 13:50:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,544
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21357265
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Costello_Music/pseuds/Costello_Music
Summary: She was hurt, and she had every right to be. And she was angry, because how could she not be. His people had done this to her. He knew this day would come, when she saw him for what he really was and hated him for it. He was trash. And now she knew.His people.Missing moment and apologies from episode 48/49 after all the hurtful accusations and tragic backstories. Because while Nott was clearly not ok, neither was Caleb.
Relationships: Nott & Caleb Widogast
Comments: 2
Kudos: 145





	when there's nowhere left to run

**Author's Note:**

> After episode 48/49: Nott and Caleb did not have a moment during these events and make things right between them and that’s just unacceptable!!!! Nott was so hurt, and said awful things to Caleb and there is no way he's going to forget that in a hurry. But they seemed ok not long after so by the time episode 49 had finished I had written half of this.I thought it would be a drabble but no. The feels from this episode are so, so real. 
> 
> CALEB NEEDS ALL THE HUGS. NOTT NEED ALL THE HUGS. I THOUGHT I WAS PREPARED FOR IT BUT I WASN'T AHHHHHHHHHH
> 
> Title from 'All these things that I've done' by The Killers.

“_Your people. Your people were doing experiments_.”

For the first time in a long time his words failed him. The impact of her words had left him reeling and unable to string a thought together, let alone any kind of rebuttal. He was speechless. Nott was confused. He wasn’t. He didn’t. He wasn’t! He needs to focus. How did Nott fit in? How? He didn’t know her friend, at least he didn’t think he did.

His people?

“_What! It’s your people. It’s the people you know and trained with.” _

He was never going to get that out of his head. The anger and hurt in Notts voice. Those words would haunt him forevermore. The breath was knocked out of him in an instant and he couldn’t face her. She knew. She saw through him and she knew. She finally saw and understood. He couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t refute it, he couldn’t deny it. _They_ weren’t his people anymore, his stomach turned and he shuddered at the very thought of them. But _they_ had been, once upon a time. Wholeheartedly. When he had had a different name. When he had been a different person?

Was he a different person?

He had believed _them_. And he had been one of _them_. But he wasn’t! Not anymore?

Nott was angry. She was hurt, she was angry, and more terrifyingly she _finally_ saw him for what he was. He was terrible. Trash. And now she knew it too. The accusation in her voice, the sudden distrust and betrayal in her eyes. He couldn’t face it. He knew that one day she would figure it out. But now that it had happened he couldn’t face it.

Nothing else mattered.

_“Well. Fuck him!”_

He was never going to be capable of taking another breath again. The world was spinning but when he looked up all he could focus on was the angry form of his dear friend in front of him.

“_It’s your people that have done this to my people.”_

His people did this.

It was his fault.

His people.

He had hurt her. Everything he did, everything he’s done, turns all good things to ash. He wasn’t one of _them_ anymore. He never wanted to see them again. He could never repay, never amend what he’s done. And somehow it’s still hurting those he loves.

Nott’s house was on fire. Burned to the ground

His house was on fire. Nothing more then ash and memory.

His parents…

_ “This is your fault, your people did this_”

He was shaking. His vison had tunnelled to a pin prick. He couldn’t breathe and he felt oddly hot and cold at the same time. He wasn’t listening anymore. Nott was angry, she saw him for what he was, and somehow he had hurt her. That was all he could focus on, as the screams of memories long gone but not forgotten echoed in his head.

He was disgusted, with himself. With what had been done to the people she loved. He was disgusting. And he couldn’t keep it in anymore, couldn’t handle it anymore. He lost control of his stomach before he even registered he was nauseous.

He was aware of the stunned silence around him. He closed his eyes tight. He couldn’t face them. Couldn’t face Nott.

She knew. She really knew and that was all that mattered.

xxx

It was a long and awful day. Nott was tense and worried and there was nothing he could do to fix it.

His people.

It was his fault.

“_You’re not at fault here. You’re the solution, you know that right.” _

It was not that simple. Caduceus, Jester, Fjord. They all thought they knew but they didn’t.

_“I don’t think a very bad person would care that he was very bad.”_

But that didn’t erase what he had done. What he had almost cheerfully, and definitely willingly, done. It didn’t matter that his memories were false, it didn’t matter what had been done to him. It didn’t mattered that he had been tortured, he had tortured himself. He had done it. All of it. Him. And nothing would erase that. He would try till the end of his days to repay and fix it, but for now it couldn’t be undone. Jester didn’t know. She would change her mind if she knew. If she truly understood. Nott had said the same thing, and now she knew him for what he really was. 

He wanted to fix it.

Could it be fixed? Would it even matter? Because Caduceus was right, _it was not about him_. But if they were involved, his people, then his friends were all in danger. They didn’t understand, the risk they took. And if they pursued the Assembly, then the risk was too great.

But he couldn’t leave. Not now. He wasn’t lying. He was in too deep. He was using them, really, but he also cared. He was horrible and weak but he did care. And it would lead to their ruin like it had lead to his. 

Nott didn’t say anything as they went up to bed. She was worried, that much was clear. And still angry, because how could she not be. She knew now. She knew more of the horrible things he’d done and more importantly she now understood.

He really was trash.

“Caleb?” Nott sounded hesitant. He flinched but didn’t look at her “Bren?”

They had made it to the room, but neither had made a move for the beds. He didn’t want to intrude, Nott was angry and she had every right to be.

The use of his old name made him flinch harder, his frown deepened. He shook his head. He is not Bren. Not anymore. Never would be again?

“No. I was. But I’m not. Caleb. Caleb is fine,” he replied, stumbling over his thoughts and his words. It didn’t matter it was in Common, he would be stumbling even if he was speaking Zemnian. He was stumbling in his own mind.

Bren was Zemnian. Bren was one of _those people._

Was Caleb? He wasn’t Bren anymore, he hadn’t been for a long time. But that didn’t make Caleb a good person. Caleb was just as selfish. Caleb was weak. Nott had too much faith in Caleb. But that had to have been shattered. Today. Today Nott had finally understood.

“I didn’t have a chance to ask. _Those_ people. Are you ok?” Nott asked softly, still hesitating.

He almost didn’t understand the question. Nott was angry at him. She had to be. _This is not about you._

“It’s not about me Nott,” he muttered. “I’m, so sorry, that they took Yeza from you. I will do _everything_ in my power…”

“Caleb!” she interrupted him. He snapped his mouth shut, eyes going wild. She was frowning at him, but he couldn’t work out what for. She was worried yes, but she didn’t seem angry and the anger should be there. Why wasn’t the anger there?

“That’s not what I asked. I asked if you were ok.” She paused.

He couldn’t answer her.

“I’m sorry. I should never had said! Earlier. I’m sorry!” she said as he stared at her.

She was backtracking. She had to be. She knew, she saw.

“Really. I know they aren’t _your_ people. Not anymore. I just,” she reached for the flask that wasn’t there anymore. Caduceus had yet to return it. “I’m worried about him. And _those _people. They are capable of terrible things…”

He croaked out, interrupting her, “I’ve done terrible things.”

Nott shook her head, her frown deepening. “And so have I. Caleb! But not like that” She tried to reach for the flask again. Her hands clenched in frustration when there was nothing to grab. “They did terrible thing to you, and I know you think you did too but it doesn’t matter. You’re so smart! And you’re not like them! Not anymore!”

He was paralysed. He couldn’t move. His words were failing him again, leaving him. Did Nott understand? Did he? He was shaking. It was all too much.

The Archmages.

Their involvement with Nott’s husband.

Her child.

His scars.

_His name._

As Caduceus would say, it has been a day.

She sounded so sure. She knew the worst of it but she sounded so sure. But Nott herself has also said it, he is weak. He had so much to atone for, and he will be for a long time yet, but right now he is weak. 

“Nott. I don’t think you. You don’t understand. I can’t. I’m not, I’m not…” he trailed off, not looking at her.

“Caleb?” Nott had crept up to his side. “It’s ok, you can cry if you want. Today was hard for you too.”

Tears were running down her face, and when he blinked he realised he was crying too. He didn’t know where the tears had come from, but he was too far gone to stop them.

Before he knew it he had sank to his knees, his head bowed low as his hands subconsciously traced the scars on his arms and tears ran down his face unchecked. He barely registered Nott’s presence move closer beside him, her hand a scarce weight on his shoulder. Comforting. But too much. It was all too much. Those mages, they had been so close to complete ruin. And Nott was already tangled up with him by sheer association and now so was her husband? It was overwhelming how fucked they were. How completely fucked he felt and how fucked he just is. He never wanted her to be a part of all this but that was clearly not up to him now was it.

He allowed himself to loose track of time for a few moments, it would come back to him, but for a few moments he let it all overwhelm him. He was selfish, he should be the one comforting her, not the other way around. But all the anxiety, guilt, and stress of the day had built to a fever pitch and he couldn’t bring himself to the present to do it.

He has stated time and time again that he is not a strong man.

It was six and a half minutes before he could force himself back. Six and a half minutes before he could control himself enough to be aware of where Nott was and what she was doing.

She had pressed herself against him, her head on his shoulder. She was crying too, but she was whispering a steady stream of nonsense he couldn’t quite hear. It was soothing, and he felt guilty about that too.

_This is not about you._

Slowly, shakily, he turned to return the hug she was giving him.

“Es tut mir leid, es tut mir leid,” he said. Voice husky and raw. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. 

Buried in his shoulder still she shook her head.

“I know. I know you didn’t hurt him. I shouldn’t have said it. I’m sorry,” she said, her voice a quiet shadow of her normal vibrancy. “Caleb, you’re so smart. You’re brilliant. And you aren’t_ them_.”

“I. I can’t. I’m not. I don’t want to be _them_. I was. Once. But not anymore.” It was hard to get out. He couldn’t organise his thoughts, let alone express them to Nott. No, he wasn’t one of _them_ anymore. But he had been and they are still hurting people and he’s not a good person anymore. He probably never was. And…

“Caleb. Please. You’ll help me find him then?” she asked, looking up at him with shiny yellow eyes that still held tears though she had stopped crying.

“Of course. Of course Schatz.” This came easily. He would do everything in his power, and more, to help her. To reunite her with her husband. To right this fresh wrong. “And I’m sorry. This shouldn’t have been about me. It’s about you, and your husband.”

He shuddered. There was a pause as Nott considered this.

“I miss him. And I’m _worried_ about him. I don’t know if he’s alive and that’s going to kill me tonight,” Nott said, slowly. He didn’t move to meet her gaze. He still couldn’t face it. He didn’t want to see the anger. He didn’t want to see just how much she hated him. He feared this day almost more then most.

She didn’t give him the choice to look away as she continued, untangling from her rough embrace and jostling him till he was facing her. She had both hands on his shoulders and the tears in her eyes were gone. Anger burned in them again. But this time it was different. More determined. And there was something else in her eyes too. The look she normally gave him was there too. The one filled with love and admiration. It soothed a very small part of him. 

“But this is not just about me. It’s about you too. _Those people, _they hurt you too. They’ve hurt both of us and I will make them pay. Not now, and maybe not soon. But I’ll get them for what they’ve done. To my people,” she said fiercely. He flinched and wanted to turn away but she didn’t let him. The grip on his shoulders tightened as she emphasised her next point. “Caleb, **you are one of my people.** And I will make them pay for what they’ve done!”

She was breathing heavily now, and shaking slightly with rage. Her eyes were bright, and Caleb didn’t doubt that she meant this. Nott spoke in anger. And she spoke her mind.

Bren’s people had hurt her. That he couldn’t, and wouldn’t, deny. Bren’s people were monsters, and Bren was irredeemable for what he did.

But Caleb would make it right again. Caleb would find a way to fix what Bren had done and Caleb would do all he could to find Nott’s husband and make it right.

Looking into her eyes he felt something shift. He was _her people. _Caleb was hers, not _theirs._ Nothing could erase what he’d done. Nothing ever would. Not even if he got powerful enough and was able to fix what he’d done. He was still trash, but his parents had loved him. And he would do anything to make them proud of him again. To be worthy of that pride. But that would take more time and study, possibly a lifetimes worth. Bren wasn’t able to do that. But Caleb could.

He hadn’t meant to care about her, or any of them. She had been a means to an end. That was not a lie. But to say that was still true, deep in his heart and in his soul he knew that _that _was a lie. He cared for her, for all of them despite his earlier words, but her especially.

He wasn’t worthy of his parents love. Not yet. Maybe one day he would again, but he still had a long way to go. But deep in his heart, as Nott crushed him in a hug again, he felt worthy of her love.

“Ja,” he managed to croak out. “Ja.”

She was his people. And together, bit by bit, they would make it right.


End file.
